Do widzenia!

This morning Zoe left to go back to Oz.
Despite having felt really unwell the last couple of days we've had a lot of good laughs over some glasses of red wine I was after the antioxidants). In fact the only thing happy about her departure is probably my liver.
Since arriving on December 22nd, the time seems to have just flown by. This is most likely in part due to the fact that we were travelling for 2 weeks of that, but it feels like she has always just been here. I guess that's the feeling of familiarity you get when family is close by after not having been around them for so long.
Tonight however, we've just got in from some Friday night work drinks and the house feels so empty. It's also strange to think we saw her this morning and in a few hours she'll be stopping over in Hong Kong and then on to Oz. She was really upset when leaving this morning and well what can you say or do. Saying goodbye always sucks. I decided that airports are either great places to be or horrible places to be. They are great if you are going somewhere or returning home after a long journey, but horrible if you are leaving loved ones behind or saying goodbye to people you care about. There is nothing in between.
Anyway we'll miss ya Zoe - thanks for coming over to spend Christmas with us. I know that all three of your family members here had a great Xmas day with you and have loved spending time with you. Come back and visit again soon!

The people I love most...

There's so many people I have come across in my life who mean the world to me. People who I would do anything for, because I know they would do the same for me. People who I do not speak with, email or text every day, but people who know. People who are certain. People who are secure in the relationship I have with them and me secure in what I know belongs to us.
It's difficult though. Being so far away from some of these people. Especially when you know they are hurting. When you know that a simple hug can feel so safe and protecting. When laughter over a beer can wash the worries of the world away. When a shoulder to absorb their tears offers support for a heavy head. But it's not always possible to be by their side. It's not always possible to offer that security in a physical form. Am I failing these people who I love? Am I letting them down by not being there? Am I doing the best for them that I can? Do they know I love them? Do they know I need them? Do they know they are the laughter inside me? Do they know they are the colours that I see? Do they know they are the difference that excites me? Do they know they are my motivation to explore? Do they know they are my world? I just want to do what is right for those I love. You know that - don't you?

(There are so many more who have not made it to this picture, but who equally deserve a place in it.)

I love a sunburnt country...

A country scorched, burnt and dry.
It's hard to imagine that some 10,000 miles away that there is a developed country which has been gripped by drought for the past 7 years.
The past 6 years of my life have been spent living in the North West of Europe and the UK. Here rain is a common occurrence. Regularly daily activities are put on hold or plans changed while people wait out one downpour to the next. People arrive at work drenched, gardens are soaking wet and green. Rivers burst their banks, people's possessions are washed away and landslides flow down the mountains and hills because the ground is too wet.
In Australia however the story is very different. Currently 550,000 hectares have been burnt black in some of the worst bushfires the country has ever seen. Thousands of people are volunteering and risking their lives to save their lives and property of others. This summer is shaping up to be unforgivably hot and next year severe water restrictions will be imposed as many of the water reservoirs sit at less than 20% capacity. All of this in Victoria in Australia's South West - not even one of the driest parts of the company.

Blogs live on forever...

I was just looking through the Couch Surfing website and the Hospitality Club website in preparation for my trip away at Christmas and New Years when I cam across a story about a young lady from Poland who travelled the world for 7 years. She had yearned always to go to Africa and unfortunately while she was there caught Cerebral Malaria and died.
However, she had kept an amazing blog of all her experiences of travelling with some very impressive photos. All from her perspective. As I read through it, I realised that maybe she is gone physically, but because of her blog and her 'free spirit' a part of her lives on for the rest of the world to share in. I wish technology like this had been around when my Nan was still alive - I'd love to be able to look back over her stories.

If you would like to read Kinga's blog or see some of the photos she took on her journey - CLICK HERE!

Victoria Ablaze!

I know I often complain about Australia being backward and I guess in some respects it really is. One thing I am proud of however is the amount of volunteer support that goes in to the emergency services each year and the way Australians always pull together whenever there a crisis to help each other out. Right now is one of those times. Currently there are 100 000 hectares of drought stricken North Eastern Victoria on fire. 40 firefighters have been recruited from New Zealand to assist the 2000 firefighters already fighting that battle and authorities are worried with an expected 40 degree temperature and a northerly wind this weekend, that things are only going to get worse. It's beginning to look like that these could be the worst bushfires the country has faced since 1939. Added to this is the fact that Australia has now officially been in the grip of a draught for the last 7 years and it's very conceivable that they may just not have enough water to be able to fight the fires which have already burnt many homes to the ground and have many more at risk. One of those houses belongs to my aunt. Already emergency services have advised her to pack as many belongings as she can and prepare to leave at any time. It must be hard for her as this is the house where she lived with my uncle, the house where my uncle died and where so many family gatherings have been held. I am insanely proud thought that three members of my family make up some of the many thousands of volunteers who each year give up their time to protect and preserve the lives of fellow Australians. My youngest brother aged 21yo has just returned from doing his part in helping to do just that. He spent many long days, up to 14 hours at a time trying to save homes and lives. Now it is my mother (aged 50yo) who leaves tomorrow to go and help fight these fires. She will be working with the New Zealand recruits and is rostered to work nights on 14 hour shifts. All of this completely as a volunteer and the for the satisfaction that she played a part in protecting people, homes and wildlife. I'm a little nervous about her going and in fact I sent her a text message tonight asking her to be careful and questioning why she didn't take up a more risk free hobby like glass painting. The fact remains that her and all the other strike teams out there fighting this fire are highly trained. They give up hours of their time each weekend to attend training, to run fire drills, to learn first aid and how to control hazardous materials in the event of a spill. These are the people who are the guardians of rural Australia. The ones who attend house fires, train de-railings, road accidents and of course bushfires. These are the people who do themselves and Australia proud.

(Photo from theage.com.au - "Towns on alert as fires rage in state's east.")

Adeus Amiga!

Today a good friend of mine left work. We haven't spoken much lately. Not because we didn't want to. It's just I've been so busy. Busy with so many other things. It's not really a good excuse is it? We hugged today. I knew in that hug, that there was a genuine friendship. Our coming together on the verge of insanity while working in a boring, inane, dead end job ultimately probably kept us sane. She laughs about strange things. Things even I find amusing. That's great. It's nice to have a friend who makes you laugh. It's nice to have a friend you can make laugh. It's nice to have a friend to laugh with. Who will make me laugh tomorrow?

Read about Joana's departure from her point of view - CLICK HERE!

Delivering bad news is never easy.

It's been difficult to get in contact with Andreas and Emmanuel while they have been travelling in Malaysia and to be perfectly honest, all week I've just had no idea how to tell them what happened. It's been a miserable week and the place still feels empty without Purnama. Anyway this morning I sent an email to Emmanuel and Andreas to let them know what's happened. Obviously it's not ideal to send an email, but I think they would want to know and well right now in this situation it's the easiest way to get in contact with them. There is no other way to describe sending that email than SHIT. It was quite hard doing that, so I have no idea how the police and doctors bring themselves to the point of informing families about the death of loved ones. I have a very healthy respect for their ability to be able to detach from the emotion of it. Now I'll wait to hear back from them - hopefully. I just hope they know we would never have intentionally hurt him.

It feels so empty in the house.

I came home from work tonight and I sat down on the sofa. The place where Purnama used to stay just looked so bare and empty. I know he'd only been here for one week, but he had so much personality. It feels so strange him not hopping around the house, jumping up on the sofa for some attention or laying on the rug to get an ear massage. I really can feel his absence.

When a nightmare becomes a reality.

I've sat here now for about 15 minutes just trying to think what I should write...
Last week we took on the responsibility babysitting the pet rabbit of some very good freinds of ours. Today that rabbit died. Right now I just feel at a loss about what to do. How do you tell someone that their beloved pethas died. Not to mention that Purnama was practically human. Rabbits don't usually craze such affection from people like this one did. He would follow you around the house, jump up and sit with you on the sofa and let you massage his ears for hours on end.
Yesterday was just like any other day Purnama was jumping around and being highly social and cheeky as always. Last night though he was a little on the quiet side. We also noticed that his pooh was a little more moist than usual. His owners had said before that he has had dihorrea if he ate too many vegetables. Yesterday he hadsome brocolli, so we thought it must have been that. This morning however Purnama was much more quiet than normal and he wasn't eating. He was still drinking however and od advice it appeared that although he may be feeling a little off, given a couple of days he would be good a new.
I asked Greg to go home and check on him at lunch time and if he wasn't looking better that we should take him to the vet. Greg did go home and check on him at lunchtime and decided there had been little change, so he made an appointment for 3pm today to see the vet. He went back to work for a couple of hours and then home again at 2.30pm - when he got there things had taken a turn for the worse and so he quickly rushed Purnama to the vet, but it was too late.
We've buried him in a nice spot - a place he would have liked.
Now however we're left with the guilt of feeling like we did something wrong, but I just can't think what. I've been around animals all my life and I've never had this happen. The worst thing is we'll just never know. Now we have the task of telling his owners what's happened. This is a task I can't even bare the thought of. All that is ringing through my head is Emmanuel saying "He's just like our child" - it's that thought that is making me feel sick. I just hope we don't lose our good friends over this and they know in their heart we would never have done anything to hurt their little boy.

The Netherlands to ban the burqa.

As read here - "Dutch Muslims condemn burqa ban" (BBC), it is clearly obvious that this is a rather contentious issue. On one side it is seen as a violation of human rights not to be allowed to observe ones own customs and beliefs, but is it not a violation of my human rights not to feel safe where I live and know who I am in contact with? Anyone who knows me would know that I am not racist nor do I not accept people just for being who they are. However I do feel on this issue that in a time where public safety is put at risk every day by terrorists and extremists, that maybe the Dutch government does have a point. As stated, the new law will also mean that people will not be able to wear helmets with visors or hats or veils where the face can not be clearly seen, in public. I remember once being asked to take off my Nike cap when I walked in to a store as security said it would obscure my face from security cameras - at the time I was rather annoyed, but that's because the hat was covering up my bad hair that day. However, just like the longer waits at airport security and increased security checks at night clubs etc. it might be annoying at the time, but I'm happy at the end of the day that my safety and the well being of others is still a priority. It's unfortunate that it has come to this, but that is the way it has to be - the safety of the majority is more important than the beliefs of the minorities.
I do look forward to a day when we can all live without fear and accept with enthusiasm individual difference. I just don't think it's going to be in my life time.

Want to have your say? Click Here.

Celebrating Dad's Birthday.

Well today is my Dad's birthday. Days like this really remind me of how much I miss being at home. Even worse I know that on Sunday everyone is getting together to have lunch and celebrate. I don't feel like I'm missing out, except on Mum's cooking, but I do miss being with them. Anyway tonight my aunty and I decided to celebrate in our own way! After a long, long week at work it was nice to chill out with her and have a chat over a few (too many) drinks. Anyway Dad - Gefeliciteerd!

Misery!

I really don't want to end up old and lonely, but I think if I keep complaining as much as I do at the moment it will be inevitable... So here is a little bit of misery from me to you...

It is as bad as it looks...

Well I don't think such an ugly picture has ever been taken of me. At the time it was a little posed - what you think I'm that ugly naturally? Funnily enough though, it quite sums up how I am feeling today. Again, another round of questioning and complaining from the boss. I was hoping after our last chat we might have found our place in the pecking order - maybe there would even be some healthy respect. I guess not. I'm plankton and he's a whale - this I know.
I would just love a fairy godmother to step in and make all of this ok. How else do you survive when your best just isn't good enough? How do you get everything done, when there just isn't enough time in the day? How do you show that you're giving 150% and that if it isn't good enough, you don't know what else to do? How do you avoid taking pictures this horrible again in the future?

I couldn't do it anymore...

I feel that the cost of a hairdresser in Holland is highly overpriced. For the past 6mths or so, I've been a proper tight arse and always had my hair cut at the kappersacademie. For €8.90 you can't complain or can you? The kappersacademie is the school for people who are training to be hairdressers and I have to say, I think my hair has been proof of that. Anyone who knows me, knows how precious I am about my hair and well I couldn't take it anymore. Sure I may have been saving more than €10-€15 per hair cut, but is it worth it for all the stress? Unfortunately not! Anyway I have done my civil duty. I'm sure there are a few future hairdressers who will be much richer in experience for cutting my hair, but my hair is going gray enough - I don't need another reason for it to get any worse. Now it's back to the professionals and I think the results speak for themselves!

I am not a door mat!!

I thought today was going to be difficult even before it started. Yesterday I was training at the new call centre in Amsterdam. During the day I received a number of calls from people in our team saying that my manager was again going crazy at us. He was shouting and generally treating people like shite again. They said I was lucky to be away, but to expect that he would target me upon my return.
went to sleep last night and I woke up today thinking about nothing other than how the conversation would run. I played it out over and over in my head. It was driving me crazy. I had checked my email last night from home and saw an email from him with all his complaints, along with a meeting schedule for 9.30am this morning.
My walk to work was filled with anticipation. Would he shout at me so much again that his face would be the colour of blood and saliva would spray from his mouth? I had no doubt that unless he had been sedated with valium over night this would be the case.
When I arrived at work I printed out the email he had sent me and I sat there for half an hour writing my rebuttal to his arguments - most of which I have to say were just a load of rubbish. Normally he speaks to me in such a way that I am totally confused and I never say half the things I meant to. Today however, I was going to be prepared. If he started speaking to me like a filthy door mat one more time I was going to walk out of the office and not speak with him until he could do it in a civil manner.
9.30 arrived and I entered his room. My breath was shallow and I had a knot in my stomach. The last time anyone had ever spoken to me with such rage as he did, was when my father used to shout at me for some reason or another and that was usually right before I had my hair grabbed and was lead to my room like a badly behaved dog. I sat down and it wouldn't have been more than 30 seconds before he started making crazy remarks and allegations about my performance in my role.
It was totally clear at this point that the control freak actually had no idea what he was talking about. That in fact, he has paid so little interest in me that he doesn't really know what I am doing. He never admits to the fact however that I do it all on my own, with no support from management. That I actually do some things really well and never receive a pat on the back. I only ever hear when they are dissatisfied with something and generally that is most of the time - so why not do it your fucking self if you can do it so much better!
His faced reddened and I could feel what was coming. I sat there and I began to listen, I started to recoil into my submissive position and then as if I were a spring shooting from a box, the minute he took a breath I launched in with my rebuttals to his comments, but it didn't stop there. I put forward my argument for every comment one after another that he had made in his email. I never gave him a chance to speak. I had to take some control of the situation.
Now it was my face that was going red. Not red from anger, but red because I felt so nervous about what I was doing, but I couldn't stop. My face went so hot. Beginning in my neck and working it's way up. Eventually my face was so flushed and hot that my eyes went a little watery, but I went on. I explained why I thought his arguments were unfair. I said my piece and I made my story very clear. I've been working crazy hours for this man with not one bit of thanks so I was not going to be spoken to like shite again.
The conversation ended some time after with him confessing to have "maybe" not communicated as effectively as he could. He then tried to make some lame jokes to lighten the mood before he told me it had never been his intention to "bollock" me - yeah right!
For one little moment I had a victory. For one little moment I was king. I had obviously used being well versed in the English language to my advantage and I walked out of there with a smile on my face. A smile which represented that I felt a little pride in myself for once, because I knew I was right. Needless to say I have no doubt he will be up to his old tricks again some time soon, but today was my day...

The Struggle...

I'm feeling really low at the moment. I know it is work that is causing it, I'm working fucking 12 hour days again and they really take their toll on me. I'm also making sure that even when I leave work at 8pm at night I'm still going to the gym. I have to keep up keep going or I will lose momentum and I won't make the change that I am so desperate to make. I really made a promise to myself last time I got in this situation with work that I wouldn't do it again, but I don't know how to make a difference. Greg said to me "... just don't work the hours your doing, what can they do about it? You're only contracted for 40 hours per week..." It's so much easier said than done though. When there is only you to do it all, who do you have to fall back on, who do you have to take some of the pressure off of you? If it's not done today then it's just waiting for you again tomorrow and so is your boss - ready to scream at you like you're a fucking mangy dog. I'm not sure how someone with such appalling management skills can be running such a successful company, but I guess it's because people like me - make it right. We fill his pockets with all that money that allows him to drive a BMW and take 3 week long vacations in posh villas in France. Ok he might work long hours also, but he really benefits from it. It does frustrate me that in business, the workers, the ones who make most of the money see so little of it. At the end of the day would more money make this better anyway? I guess a little.. However when you're tired, when they days are getting shorter and the rain sets in, you're bound to feel a little blue. Right now I just feel like going home and getting a big hug from my Mum, getting drunk with my brother, arguing with my sister, hanging out with my other brother while not drinking or smoking and getting some solid advice from my Dad - even if I don' always act on it straight away...
Here is my misery song of the moment... "Fix You" by ColdPlay.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down your face
when you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

It's easy to forget.

"It wasn't until much later when she started noticing signs. Nothing big at first. Little things, small hard-to-read clues left for her to see. Some name calling in school, a comment from a perceptive teacher, and the fact that all his friendships were with girls.

Then the anger came. Not hers, his. She watched as her sunny, luminous kid was becoming burdened with dark silence, afflicted with rage. She could feel the blinds coming down on the windows of his soul." Read more... (Excerpt from Shades of Grey)

Reading this I remember how lucky I am to have the family I have. While they are all amazing in their own way, my Mum is special. She has taken all that life has thrown at her; which has not always been easy - in her stride. If she is pained by all that she has endured, she hides it very well. She is strong and maybe she has just come to accept things as they are. I miss her, I miss them all. Sometimes I forget how lucky I am.

Fear of Embarrassment.

Without a doubt I am embarrassmentphobic. I could theorize for hours on why I am like this. I guess my father's treatment of me as a child has something to do with it. The truth is I will go to any extent to avoid embarrassment. Tonight I was at the gym. Tonight I was leaving the gym. The man working in the cafeteria said goodbye. I turned to respond politely. I turned back to walk on. I knocked over a sign. A sign of a matching pair. The sign stood about 1 meter high. It fell. It landed hard on the ground. It made a loud noise. The people waiting in the cafe all turned and looked at me. The looked hard and fast. The top of the sign smashed and broke off. I focused immediately on the ground and the mess I had made. I ignored the people sitting in the cafe. I ignored the barman. I could feel the heat of everyone's stares piercing my reddening flesh. I picked up the top part that had broken off. I placed it down on a table. I focused on the ground in front of me. I walked out. I walked strong and in denial. Now I am worried. How will I show my face there again? Will everybody remember me? How could I not even say sorry. Embarrassment turns to guilt. I know this will keep me awake.

Where were you on 9/11/2001?

Five years on I still very clearly remember that day. I was sitting in an Internet Cafe on Cricklewood Broadway, Cricklewood, London. I remember never being so unsure in my adult years about what was going on around me. I remember watching the images of that plane fly over and over again in to the Twin Towers. I remember wanting to go home to Australia so badly, but being horrified by the thought of getting on a plane. How would I ever get home? Today, I see it as the day the modern world changed... A day that divided the world...

Then dance - just don't be a bitch!

Last night I really was an asshole to Greg and of course I was just venting from the vile day I had at work yesterday. I really am a bit ashamed. There's no excuse. I think I had better buy a punching bag. To try and make up for it, I made dinner reservations for our favourite Turkish Restaurant - Dunya. I realised however while I was eating my dinner and drinking my Duvel, that I was benefiting too and that shouldn't have been the case. I guess it only leaves self flagellation.